


Prank

by SailorLight22



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-11
Updated: 2016-07-11
Packaged: 2018-07-22 22:55:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,582
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7457056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SailorLight22/pseuds/SailorLight22
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Just some comedy. Visit my archive for fic, media and more. http://asshat.0fees.net</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Prank  
A D.Gray-Man Crackfic

Hello again! I was bored, and while having a _very_ interesting conversation with my fellow author Niamh, the idea for this came about. Sorry to anyone who was waiting for something else, but I just couldn't help myself... Hey, this fandom NEEDS more crack anyway! ^_^ Enjoy!

***************************************

 

 

Lavi glanced around swiftly, ducking behind an unused bookshelf as he heard footsteps approach.

"But I can't understand it, Linali.. Where could Tim have taken off to? He _never_ does that.."

"Relax, Allen-kun, I'm sure he'll be all right, he can't have gotten far.."

Lavi listened for a while longer, sighing in relief as the voices faded and a door slammed. Standing, he opened his hand to reveal the golem in question, currently flapping it's wings in displeasure as it growled around the wad of paper which had been hastily stuffed between it's teeth.

"C'mon, little guy.. You're going to provide me with some _very_ amusing ways to pass the time.." He grinned wolfishly, his single eye alight with glee as he slunk to the library's back wall. Placing the struggling ball on the desk, he dragged the dusty telephone closer, hooking Timcanpy into the interface before settling himself in the chair.

Pulling out a sheet of just-slightly wrinkled paper, he carefully dialed a number, snickering to himself.

***************************************

"Hello? e&"

"Yes, Mr...Earl? Hi! This is the Petermann vacuum company! Your number was chosen to receive a special prize, all you have to do is repeat our slogan!"

"Ah e& I never win anything! What is it?"

"All we need to hear is 'I Want A Petermann', Sir!"

"e&e& I WANT A PETERMANN!"

"...You're a sick, sad little man."

*click*

****************************************

Lavi collapsed in the chair, snickering helplessly. After a long moment, he composed himself and dialed a new number, clearing his throat and deepening his voice.

*****************************************

"Komui speaking!"

"Lemme speak to Moog."

"..Excuse me?"

"I said, 'Lemme speak to Moog'."

"...There's no 'Moog' in this department. Good day."

*click*

******************************************

"Yes? Komui speaking."

"Lemme talk to Moog."

"I'm sorry, there's no 'Moog' here."

"When he gets in, tell him to call me back, then."

"SIR. There is no one by that name in this department. Please stop calling, we're very busy."

*click*

******************************************

"YES!?"

"Put Moog on, it's important."

"Look, you..! I told you, there's no Moog here! Never has been! Stop calling!"

*SLAM*

******************************************

"WHAT?!"

"This is Moog, have there been any calls for me?"

"WHO THE HELL IS THIS?!"

"..."

*snicker*

*click*

******************************************

Lavi hung up the phone, cackling at the older man's hysterical fury. Scanning his list, he failed to hear the footsteps until they were directly behind him.

"Lavi? What are you doing with Timcanpy? We've been looking _everywhere_!" Linali cried, startling the redhead.

Turning quickly, he shushed her. "I was just...borrowing him for a while. Where's Allen?" She shook her head in exasperation.

"He's over there, looking beneath all the tables. I'm going to get him." She strode over, tapping the white-haired boy to catch his attention. "I found him," She murmured, "Lavi had him, come on." The boy nodded in relief, following her to the far side of the room.

"Lavi, what are you doing? Have you been here the whole...Hey, what's this?" Allen knelt, picking up the Bookman's list. "Are..Are you actually _CALLING_ these people? LAVI! You called _THE EARL_?!"

Linali looked over Allen's shoulder, seeing the long list of names, some checked, others not. "Nii-san? Why were you sneaking over here to call him?" The older boy smiled meekly.

"I was just _mkngpkcalls_.." He mumbled, avoiding her stare.

"What was that?" She asked, ominously.

He cleared his throat. "Making prank calls.." He said, preparing to duck.

The other two stared at him in disbelief. Allen shook his head, smiling faintly. "You mean you prank called _The Earl_? Jesus, Lavi!" He snickered, imagining the look on the villain's face. Even Linali was forced to admit that the idea was humorous.

"Honestly, you two are like children.." She smiled, looking around to locate an empty seat. "We might as well get comfy then."

Lavi blinked at her. "Comfy..? Ooh, I getcha.. Ha, c'mon Allen, you too! You'll love it, I swear.. Who should we call next?"

The boy chuckled, also finding a seat. "All right, but if you get caught.." He trailed off, leaving the obvious conclusion dangling.

Lavi grinned. "Me? Never.. Now, let's see.."

******************************************

Somewhere in Asia...

"He~llo!"

" _Bak-Sama?_ "

"Yeah, who's this?"

"..It's.. _Me_ , Bak-Sama..."

".....'Me'? Li.. _Linali-chan_?!"

" _Mhmm_...I was thinking about you, Bak-Sama.."

"You..You _were?_ "

" _Ohhh, yes_.. I think about you _all_ the time, Bak-Sama.."

"*gulp* Ah, really..? That's.."

"Do you think about _me_ , Bak-Sama? I'll bet you do.."

"*choke* Well...I..Yes. Yes, I do."

" _Mmm_...I think I like that..."

"Eeh?!"

" _Bak-Sama_...*rustle* Ah, that's better..So _hot_ in here.."

"!!"

"*rustlerustle* _Mm, this too...Maybe I'll take a bath..._ "

*CRASH*

*Dialtone*

******************************************

Allen and Lavi snickered, as Linali stared at the redhead in mortified shock.

"LAVI! That's..That's _terrible_! And why are you so good at that? Do you actually practice mimicking people?!" She shook her head as Allen's stifled mirth grew. "It's scary, you sound just like me.. Ugh, do you do that to other people?"

Lavi wiped his streaming eyes before replying. "No, I've never done your voice like that, I just couldn't help it." He peered at the white-haired exorcist beside him, who's bright red face had steadily increased in hue as he valiently kept himself quiet by stuffing a fist in his mouth. "Yo, Allen! You all right buddy?"

The boy nodded, then shook his head and nodded again. Linali raised an eyebrow at his confused signals. Sighing, she patted his shoulder. "It _was_ rather funny... In it's own way." She conceded.

Allen choked, regaining his composure. "Just imagining the _look_ on his face.." He whimpered, starting to giggle, "God, Lavi..That was.."

"The most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

The three stared at each other in shock, slowly turning to look at the form behind them.

After a moment, Lavi cleared his throat in false cheer. " _Yuu-chan!_ What a surprise!"

Kanda glared at him. "Don't call me that! What the hell are you doing, idiot?" The redhead blinked up at him nervously.

"Oh, just...Having a little fun! Nothing major, right, _right?_ " He smiled hugely at his companions, who squirmed in discomfort as the swordsman's frosty gaze settled on each of them in turn.

Kanda shook his head in disgust. "Don't you have anything useful to do? What's that?" He demanded, seeing Lavi slip the list into his sleeve. "Why are you hiding it?!"

Lavi smiled thinly, his eye wide with completely false innocence. "Nothing! It's just ah.. Scrap paper! For taking notes!" The samurai scowled, snatching the paper from him before he could blink.

"Nothing, my ass.. It must be something you don't...want...! _What the hell? Are you.. How did you get these numbers?_ " He stared at the list in shock, seeing the as-yet unchecked names. "Why is _my_ room number here?! That's a private line! I'll slice you like a radish if you don't explain yourself, _this instant!_ "

Lavi cringed, his smile becoming tremulous. "I got them from some papers Bookman had lying around, I wasn't gonna call you, honest!" He waved his hands in defense. "I was just having a little fun, that's all!" An idea occured to him suddenly, and his grin widened. "You wanna help?" He asked, "It's fun, c'mon!"

Kanda raised an eyebrow. "Che, as if I have nothing better to do than play childish pranks.. _Is this number right?_ " He demanded, shoving the list at the redhead abruptly. Jerking back, Lavi chuckled before glancing at the name he meant.

"Of course, they're all right, Yuu-chan!" He beamed up at the suddenly frowning boy. Restraining the urge to snicker, he hooked a nearby chair with one foot, dragging it to a position beside a stunned Allen. "There you go, why don't you take a load off and think this through? Might not get another chaaance, Yuu-chan!" As the other two looked on in awe, the samurai sank into the seat, forgetting to correct the bookman-in-training's familiarity in his contemplation of the paper in his hands.

Several seconds passed in silence, and then the black-haired boy glanced up, his eyes narrowed as he smiled evilly. The three shuddered quietly, glancing at each other fearfully as Kanda chuckled darkly. "Give me that." He ordered, still grinning maliciously.

Numbly, Lavi complied.

******************************************

"H..Hello?"

" _Habakari..._ "

"Wh..What?"

" _Habakariii.._ "

"*Gasp* Who is this??"

" _Haabakaaariii.._ "

"*Sob* Please! I didn't do it! I'm sorry, what do you want??"

" _Habakaaari.!_ "

"*Whimper*Stop! Please, I'm sorry! _I'M SORRY!!_ "

*Click*

******************************************

The three stared at Kanda in open astonishment.

Then Lavi burst into shuddering laughter. "You...What the hell, Yuu-chan! That was _fantastic..!_ " He broke off, almost sobbing with glee. The other two gaped at them in confusion.

Allen raised an eyebrow. "What did you _say_ to her? She was hysterical, you sounded...Horrible!"

Kanda snickered to himself. "That was the point, Moyashi. It wasn't so much _what_ I said.. It was how I said it." Lavi grinned beautifically as he rubbed his aching stomach.

"That was priceless. No one but Miranda would be afraid of a _toilet..!_ " Linali frowned unconvincingly.

"Honestly! Kanda, she's already terrified of everything, just imagine how she's..She's.." She paused, staving off a snort of her own at the mental image of the gloomy woman wringing her hands frantically at the Japanese word for 'toilet'. "That was mean." She said, finally.

Allen chuckled to himself, shaking his head. "That was rather... Unnerving. But why Miranda-san, Kanda?"

The samurai huffed in dismissal. "She needs to toughen up." He snickered briefly before schooling his features into his usual frown. "And she annoys me with her constant screeching. Her face makes me tired."

The other three sighed.

Lavi suddenly froze, his eye wide with fear as he stared at a spot slightly behind and to the left of Allen's head.

Guiltily, he smiled. "Bookman! Back already?"

The man's face was impassive as he strode to his apprentice's side, glancing briefly at the crumpled paper in his shaking hands in disgust.

His eyes landed on the phone, then the other three youngsters in turn, his face still unreadable as they squirmed in embarrassed guilt under his silent disapproval. Leaning down, he snatched the paper from Lavi, his eyes taking in the checked names as he frowned. "Is _this_ what you do in your free time, Lavi?" He said, finally.

The boy shook his head quickly, ready to protest, but was stilled with an icy glare from the elder man. Sighing, the man shook his head. "Give me the telephone, Lavi." The boy nodded dumbly, preparing to lift the heavy base. Bookman frowned in annoyance. " _Not the whole thing, Idiot boy!_ "

The youth stared at him in incomprehension as he leaned forward to snatch the handpiece from it's cradle with a huff.

******************************************

"'Lo? Tyki speaking.."

"Yes! This is Chinese resturaunt, very sorry we make wait for order!"

"Pardon? I don't.."

"Aah, maybe was other man.. You get him, I give much discount for long time, food is ready for deliver now!"

"But you don't under.."

"Oh, no no! It was man, he says 'Bring food to this.. _'Noah'_ place', but we have broken dish, so take much longer. You get man who order, I wait."

"*Sigh* It was one of the others, I'll see what I can do..."

*Footsteps*

*Footsteps return*

"Look, this is going to take a really long time, sir. They aren't even in the same room, I'd have to ask them _all..._ "

"Oooh, that no worry, I wait for you to find man. Very large order, very much food waste if we not deliver. You find now, yes?"

"*Siiiigh* All right, hold on.."

*Muffled curse* *Footsteps*

******************************************

Bookman placed the phone gently back in it's cradle. Turning to his student, he snorted.

" _Amateurs._ "

*******************************************

 

 

All right! It's done, now get busy telling me how awesome I am! Lol, Niamh, this is _ALL YOUR FAULT!!_ XD

******************************************


	2. Strung Out

Prank  
A D.Gray-Man Crackfic  
Part 2 - Strung Out  
All right, here we go again! Thanks again to Niamh, who makes me think of funny things! XD

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Lavi smiled, glancing quickly around a corner as he prepared to dash across. Leaving his heavy boots behind had been a stroke of genius, if he did say so himself. Taking one last look down the deserted hallway, he sprinted through the archway, pressing himself to the opposite wall.

Clutching a small sack in one hand, he edged closer to his predetermined target: The door to Kanda's room.

Pausing to stifle a snicker, he quickly reached into the sack, pulling out a roll of very fine twine, scissors, and a squeeze bottle of super-strength rubberized adhesive that he'd 'borrowed' from Komui during the last mission briefing.

 _'Thank God for mad scientists,'_ He mused, smiling widely. Working quickly, he opened the bottle, spreading a generous amount of the sticky substance across the top of the doorframe. Pulling out the end of the twine, he strung several long strands top-to-bottom over the doorway, securing them at the floor with more glue.

Listening for even the slightest noise, he gave the beginning of his masterpiece a few minutes to set before spreading another layer of glue down the right and left sides of the door's frame. Quietly shaking with laughter, he began to weave more twine over and under the first strands, forming an almost-invisible web that covered the opening from top to bottom. Surveying his work, he nodded happily.

Reaching up, he ran a thin layer of adhesive all around the door to secure the finished webbing, stepping back to see if the lines were visible in the corridor's dim light.

 _'Now, all I have to do is wait..'_ He smirked, walking back across the hall, settling himself into a comfortable crouch as he waited for daybreak.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

All too soon, the first rays of sun began to peek over the horizon, their light streaming weakly through the numerous small windows of the Black Order's headquartes. Lavi stirred, grinning in expectation as the first of the early morning risers began to leave their beds to start another day.

 _'All right, not too long now'_ He snorted, rubbing his hands together eagerly.

"Lavi..?" He jumped, turning quickly to see the sleepy face of Allen Walker. "What are you doing out here?" He asked, rubbing hie tired eyes in confusion.

The redhead grinned brightly. "Ah, nothing much...Playing a lil joke on Yuu-chan.. Wanna wait with me? It's great!"

The younger boy eyed him warily. "I don't know, Lavi.. The last time you pulled something funny, we ended up cleaning toilets for a week.."

Lavi shook his head in mock shame. "Yeah.. I can't believe that Panda found me out that fast..But you hafta admit, it was worth it!"

Hearing a quiet curse, Allen turned towards the swordsman's door. "I think he's getting up...Hey, what's that on the door?" He asked, puzzled by the nearly-transparent webbing. Lavi grinned evilly, standing quickly.

"Just wait," He murmured, then raised his voice to a low shout. "Yuuuu-chan! Look, aren't these your special undies? The little purple ones?"

As the white-haired boy looked on in shock, the older boy smiled in satisfaction as the room erupted with a furious string of curses.

"Stupid Rabbit! I'll skewer you for..!" The door flew open to reveal a barely-clothed Kanda, his sword in hand as he flung himself through the door with murder in his dark eyes. Then..

(BOOOING!)

(CRASH!)

"What the..!"

(Random scuffling and banging noises)

"You..! I'll kill you! You damned..Oof!"

(Repeat of former bounce/crash/curse)

Lavi howled helplessly, pounding his fist on the wall as Allen slumped to the cold floor shaking with careless glee. "God, Lavi..(HA!)He's going to kill you for real when he gets out of there.."

The Bookman-in-training snickered, wiping his eyes. "Probably. Let's say we just get moving right along, huh? I don't know how long the glue's supposed to last, but we _really_ don't wanna be near here when it wears off."

The shorter boy nodded, still chuckling. "Not a bad idea.. Want to get some breakfast? That's where I was going.." He trailed off, glancing towards the fuming boy's room as they passed. The teen in question was sprawled on the floor, preparing to launch himself at the door again.

"Why doesn't he just cut the string?" He whispered, quickening his steps. Lavi snickered loudly.

"He gets so mad that he can't think straight...He _did_ just wake up, so it'll be a while before it occurs to him that he has a sword." Allen nodded in understanding.

The two neared the end of the hallway, and Lavi looked behind them as another round of samurai vs. string played out in the formerly peaceful corridor. He sighed contentedly.

Allen frowned, remembering the taller boy's rousing shout. "Lavi... How do you know what Kanda's....'Special' underwear looks like?" The redhead grinned brilliantly.

"Well, you see, this one time, when Yuu-chan and I were sent on a mission to France...."

 

 

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Ok, there's more idiocy to fill you day! Thanks to all the reviewers, I really felt inspired to continue after your generous comments! Stay tuned for more, next time: Revenge of the Unglued Samurai!


	3. Revenge of the Unglued Samurai

Prank  
A D.Gray-Man Crackfic  
Part 3 - Revenge of the Unglued Samurai  
All right, here we go yet again! Thanks to Niamh, who made this particular series of fics possible! XD

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Kanda scowled, striding determinedly through the cafeteria in search of the only person he could trust. Spotting his target, he closed in. "Linali. I need to speak with you." She blinked up at him, her brow furrowed with confusion.

"Me? Sure, but can it wait until I finish?" The samurai nodded tersely, joining her on the bench as she continued her meal. "Is this about what Lavi did?" She asked, hiding her smile. Kanda glared at her suspiciously.

"It is."

Linali raised an eyebrow at his almost despondant tone. Setting down her silverware, she turned to face her longtime friend. "It'll blow over in no time, you know," She said, patting his knee awkwardly. "After a day or two, no one will even remember." The boy shook his head.

"I could care less what anyone has to say. What concerns me _now_.." He paused, looking around before leaning closer. "What concerns me now is how to _avenge_ myself." The girl frowned, shaking her head.

"Um, no offense, but why..?" He cut her off, smirking.

"Why am I asking you? Simple." He motioned towards the door, rising. "Come with me, and I'll explain." Linali smiled, curious at his secretiveness, but followed him out of the room and down the hall towards his room.

Once inside, he turned to her abruptly. "Your Innocence," He began without preamble. "You can float, correct?" She nodded hesitantly, but he continued before she could question his interest. "And you can also use it to lift things, or carry them?" Again, she nodded, afire with curiosity.

He grinned maliciously. "Do you think that you could find some more of the glue Lavi used on my door? He had to have gotten it from your brother's lab.." She raised an eyebrow, but nodded slowly.

"I probably could," She said, seriously. "But what do you want to do? It isn't going to hurt anyone, _right?_ " He shook his head, indignantly.

"Of course not! What would be the sense in harming an active Exorcist?" He grinned viciously. "After I'm done, the only thing hurting will be that idiot's pride.." Linali smiled, humoring the boy.

"I'll see what I can do, Kanda. Do you want it now, or later?" She asked, opening the door. He thought for a moment, then replied quietly.

"As soon as you can get it. After that, I'll just have to wait until he's busy.." She nodded, wondering what the normally serious swordsman had planned for their mutual friend. Assuring him that she'd be back soon, she headed for the lab, remembering that she could most likely ask her 'Nii-san about Lavi's schedual while she was there...

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

_Later that evening..._

 

 

Kanda smiled gratefully, taking the large tube of glue from his 'accomplice'. The girl raised her eyebrows expectantly, waiting for the older boy to explain his scheme. Noticing her scruitiny, he opened the door to allow her to enter.

"'Nii-san said Lavi's training today, and won't be back until after dinner." She said, sitting on the bed. "Will that be enough time for whatever you wanted to do?" He nodded, surprising her with his almost childish eagerness.

"That's _perfect_.. The fool will probably get something to eat before returning to his room.." He mused, pacing the floor as he continued. "With the two of us, that should be more than enough time." He paused, swinging around to face the girl on the bed. "You _will_ help me, won't you?" Linali frowned in mock seriousness.

"I don't know, Kanda.. You still haven't said exactly what it is that you want me to do." She looked up, and suddenly found herself staring into a pair of suprisingly pathetic dark eyes. Laughing, she shook her head. "Stop, with the puppy face... I was only kidding, I said I would, and I will." She smirked to herself, thinking that no one would ever believe the hostile boy capable of such a pitiful expression.

Kanda sighed in relief. "Thank you, Linali.. Now, let me give you a better idea of what we're going to do.." He cackled, earning a startled look from the girl. "I need to move all of the idiot's things..."

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

_Several hours later.._

 

 

Lavi staggered tiredly through the door, cursing his mentor as he made his way through the darkened room. "Damned old Panda..Who needs to learn how to balance a glass of water while crossing a rope bridge anyway?" He moved towards his bed, ignoring the lamp in favor of instant sleep.

Kicking off his boots, he shed his coat and unstrapped his hammer. Sighing contentedly, he flung himself backwards, already imagining the soft warmth of the quilts...

xTHUD!x

Lavi found himself rather intimately aquainted with the stone floor, his head ringing with the sound of a million tiny bells at the impact.

Dragging himself upright, he fumbled blindly for the bedside lamp, crashing once more to the floor as his fingers met only air. "What the..!" He jumped up angrily, his face throbbing from it's rapid reintroduction to gravity.

He strode to the door, swearing as he switched on the overhead light. His eyes adjusted to the brightness, and he glared towards his bed..

_Gone._

_Everything was gone._

Gaping dumbly at his empty room, Lavi stood by the door for a full minute before yelling his outrage. "What the _SHIT_ is this?! Where the hell's my stuff!?"

His voice echoed hollowly in the apparently empty room, and then he noticed the sound of footsteps approaching quickly. Snatching open the door, he grabbed a startled Crowley by the arm of his uniform, jerking him unceremoniously into the room. "Did you see anybody in here?" He demanded, lowering his voice as the timid man shrank away in fright.

"I..I didn't see anything!" The man exclaimed, his eyes wide. "I heard you yelling, but that's all, I swear I don't know..." He stopped, glancing around the room. "Where are your things, Lavi-san?" He asked, puzzled. The shorter boy scowled in frustration.

"That's what I want to know!" He said, shaking his head to dispel the last of the ringing in his ears. "I just came in and found it like this." He purposely omitted the fact that he had recently been courting the granite floor in favor of more important things. "Yuu!" He snarled, grabbing the shaken Crowley's lapels fiercely.

"No! It wasn't, I didn't do it!" The older man shrieked, scrambling backwards to press against the door. Lavi shook his head impatiently, releasing him.

"Not _you_ , you fool! Yuu!" He hissed, his tone cutting off any further protest. "Yuu Kanda, you know, the stick-in-the-ass samurai? The one who says you remind him of a big black tick? _He_ did this!" He paced rapidly, dragging a hand gingerly through his dishevelled hair as he cursed to himself.

Crowley sagged to the floor in relief. Closing his eyes, he leaned his head back in an attempt to calm his jangling nerves, opening them slowly after several deep breaths. For a moment, he stared up in blind incomprehension, his mind refusing to accept what he saw. "L..Lavi-san..?" He murmured, standing quickly. " _Lavi-san!_ "

The boy paused mid-rant, swinging to face him. "What? I'm trying to figure out where he put it, the dresser is _far_ too big to get through the door by himself.." He rambled, but the older man cut him off meekly.

"He...He didn't take it out the door.." He trailed off at the disgusted look on the Bookman-in-training's face. "That is.. Kanda-san didn't take your things anywhere.."

Lavi stared at him incredulously. "Do you _see_ any furniture here, Crow-chan?" He asked, quietly. "If he didn't take it, then _where the hell is it?!_ " He stopped, counting to ten before continuing. "He's the only one who could have done it.." Crowley shrank back again, gesturing helplessly with one hand.

Lavi blinked at him, his eyes following the man's fluttering hands upward.

Silence.

Then, the entire building shook with the sheer volume of Lavi's outraged shout.

"HOW THE _FUCK_ DID HE GET ALL THAT UP THERE?!"

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Kanda sighed, snuggling deeper into his blankets. "Che, serves you right..I always thought you were an upended bastard anyway.." He closed his eyes, slipping into a peaceful slumber as the echo of his victim's screeched curses lulled him to sleep.

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Haha, another chapter finished! Don't worry though, Lavi will have his revenge.. Next time: Skirting The Issue!


	4. Skirting The Issue

Prank  
A D.Gray-Man Crackfic  
Part 4 - Skirting The Issue  
Thanks again to Niamh, who made this happen! XD

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Crowley whimpered, backing away from the rapidly approaching source of his anxiety. Seeing his retreat, the boy scowled darkly at him, his face stern and unforgiving. "Crow-chan," He growled, "You saw what happened. You know what that.. _jerk_ did to me." The older man nodded fearfully.

"I won't say that I didn't prank him first, but that was just too much." He frowned, remembering. "It took _6 hours_ to get all that stuff off the ceiling! Then, I had to go meet Bookman for more of his stupid training! No sleep! Nada!" He paced, his irritation clear. "I'm not worried about Yuu-chan, though. What bothers me the most is that he had to have had help." Again, the elder nodded.

"Yuu's good, but not even he can fly." Lavi's eye narrowed. "The only person here that can do that... Is _Linali_." Crowley shrank back at the fanatical expression on the younger Exorcist's face. "She helped him do that. Hell, she probably did most of the work herself." He paused for a moment, then whirled to face the cowering man.

"Crow-chan, do you sew?" He demanded, leaning close. The man squeaked, leaning away.

"I..I..What do you mean?" He asked, nervously.

Lavi huffed impatiently. "Sew! As in, put thread in a needle and pull it through cloth! Do you know how to do that?!" When the man nodded hesitantly, he grinned widely. " _Perfect!_ "

Crowley blinked at his sudden change in mood. "Lavi-san, what does that have to do with what happened..?" He asked, quietly. "Was anything torn..?" Lavi shook his head cheerfully.

"Nope, nothing. But..." He snickered, "I know of a perfect way to get Linali for helping Yuu-chan. The only problem is, I can't sew." The nervous man stared at him expectantly.

"What do you mean, get Linali-san back?" He gasped, horrified. "You mean, playing a trick on her? But..!" The redhead grinned so hard that it looked painful.

"Yep. And _you_ ," He snatched the shivering man's hand tightly, "Are going to help!"

Speechless, Crowley gaped at him. Lavi paid no attention to his growing distress as he elaborated. "The laundry here gets done twice a week, right? So if anyone misses the first day, they have another chance." Crowley said nothing, his eyes wide.

Lavi continued, releasing the man's hand. "I don't know _everything_ about women, but I do know that they try to keep clean clothes available. Looking at the cleaning schedule, I'm pretty sure that Linali has at least 5 extra uniforms, so that she never has to worry about missing laundry pick-ups when she's on a mission." He waited for the older man to acknowledge his logic.

"It wouldn't be too hard to find out who's on collection duty this week, would it? When I know that, we'll be set!" He laughed, his mirth almost frightening. Shaking his head, Crowley inched toward the door, hoping to escape before the crazed teen noticed...

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Allen sighed, stretching his arms above his head. _'I should check the assignment list before breakfast,'_ He thought, moving his chair to it's proper place. _'That was a good workout, I'm starving..'_ He left his room, following the corridor until he reached the all-purpose memo board outside the cafeteria. Scanning the list, he smiled.

 _'Ah, it's my day for laundry. That isn't so bad.'_ He opened the doors, walking to the counter to place his usual order. While he waited, he glanced around the room. In his usual spot, Kanda sat with his own sparse meal, a strangely contented smirk hovering at the edge of his lips. Shaking his head, Allen moved to the person beside him, and saw an also amused-looking Linali.

She caught the white-haired boy's look, smiling brightly as she waved. He returned the gesture, collecting his food and walking over. "Good morning!" He said, settling down opposite the now-scowling samurai. Kanda snorted in reply, but the trace of his earlier smirk remained as he returned to his breakfast.

Linali elbowed him lightly in rebuke, shaking her head at his rudeness. "Good morning, Allen-kun!" She smiled. "Did you sleep well?" The boy nodded, swallowing a huge mouthful of dango before answering.

"I did, but something woke me up a little after midnight, someone yelling about their clothes still being in the wardrobe.." He thought for a moment. "And I think they said something about..sticky boots? I couldn't tell." He raised an eyebrow as Kanda abruptly snorted a mouthful of soba, choking as Linali pounded his back in concern.

" _Kanda!_ Here, drink this, are you all right?" She said, passing the damp-eyed boy a glass of water. "You scared me!"

He took a few swallows, still coughing with suppressed laughter as Allen looked on, wide-eyed at his uncharacteristic display of humor. "Linali.. Did he have something to do with that..?" He asked cautiously. 'He' raised his eyes with a baleful glare.

"I'm right in front of you, stupid Moyashi." Allen ignored his warning tone, leaning closer to the silently laughing girl.

"It was him, wasn't it? What did he do?" The violet eyed girl smiled, whispering in reply.

"He got me to help him glue all of Lavi-kun's things to the ceiling of his room." She said, still laughing quietly. Allen's eyes widened, and he clapped a hand to his mouth to avoid cackling.

"That's..! Oh God, I hate to say it, but that's _brilliant_ , Kanda!" He gasped, shaking his head. The older boy merely grunted, his lips twisting upwards in a smirk. Allen regained control of himself, looking around the other tables. "Where is Lavi, anyway? Did he already leave?" Linali shook her head.

"He never came in. I asked Jerry, and he said he hasn't seen him at all. He might be mad.." She snickered. "He had it coming though."

Allen nodded, remembering the joke Lavi had played on Kanda. "I'm sure he won't stay angry, Lavi's not the type to hold a grudge for too long, right?" The three paused, then snickered quietly at the ridiculousness of that question. Of _course_ the redhead would hold a grudge!

Rising, Allen gathered his empty plates. "Well, I have to go, it's my day for laundry pickups. I'll talk to you later, Linali, Kanda.." The girl nodded happily, and the swordsman flipped a hand negligently in acknowledgement as Allen walked to the counter to drop off the dishes. Smiling over his shoulder at Jerry, he thanked him again for the meal and left the room.

He went to the storage closet nearby, opening the door and removing the large cart used for clothing. Pushing it to the Exorcist's quarters, he began his task, knocking on doors to ask the occupant's for their uniforms. After making his way through the men's section of rooms, he crossed the hallway to begin the women's collections. Remembering that Linali always left her door open for laundry day, he opened her door and retrieved the hamper, dumping it on top of the large mound of clothing.

He closed the door carefully behind him, and turned to deliver the accumulated clothing to the washroom. He heard Lavi's voice call his name urgently, and he turned back around. Seeing the approach of his missing friend, he smothered the urge to laugh as the redhead stopped beside him. "Good morning," He panted, seemingly out of breath. "I'm glad I caught you, I need your help for just a minute."

Allen frowned, glancing at the cart. "I've got to drop these off.." He started, but the taller boy grabbed his arm and smiled pleadingly.

"Oh, it won't take long, I promise! Maybe 5 minutes, just leave that here and come back, please?" Allen nodded reluctantly, allowing himself to be dragged away as the older teen began to explain his predicament rapidly. Allen tried to make sense of his garbled words, never noticing the shaking form that stepped quickly from the shadows, whimpering as it snatched an armload of one particular Exorcist's clothing and making a hasty retreat...

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Linali smiled, closing the door of her room in relief. "I can't believe that we didn't see Lavi-kun at all today," She murmured to herself. ' _I guess Kanda and I should try being extra.. Well, I'll be extra nice to him when he comes around.'_ She thought, turning her attention to the neatly folded clothes on the bedside table. "Mmm, clean clothes already..Allen-kun always has them back so fast.."

She carefully shook out the garments, hanging them in her wardrobe and closing it with a satisfied snap. "That's better.." She turned to the table, picking up the last uniform. "Now, to get a bath and change.."

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The Next Morning...

Linali climbed out of bed, turning off the shrill alarm as she yawned. _'Another day,'_ She thought, smiling to herself as she opened the wardrobe. Pulling out a uniform, she dressed quickly, crossing the room and opening the door. The sound of other Exorcist's preparing for the day greeted her, and she smiled brightly at the sleepy face of her best female friend as she left her own room. "Miranda-chan, good morning!"

The nervous woman smiled warmly in reply, falling in step beside the girl as they walked to the cafeteria. Miranda blushed slightly as a young Finder held the door for the two, his eyes lingering on the younger girl for just longer than was polite. Seeing his eyes widen, she tipped her head, but said nothing.

Linali chuckled at her confused expression, thinking that the older woman was unused to gentlemanly acts on her behalf. "Don't worry, I know him. He's always like that, his upbringing was very proper." She whispered, unaware that the next several tables she passed became silent. Miranda nodded slightly, wondering if something was on her face as amused chuckles broke out behind them.

"Linali-chan.." She whispered, "Is there something wrong? Everyone's laughing at me.." The girl looked at her in surprise.

"I'm sure it isn't you, Miranda-chan. It's probably just someone telling a joke, that's all. Relax a little!" She smiled reassuringly, and turned to place her food order. After a moment, she noticed that the quiet laughter had ceased, and felt the older woman sigh beside her in relief. When their food was ready, they made their way to a table, and Linali tucked in her skirt before seating herself. She noticed something odd about her uniform.

"Miranda-chan," She whispered, "Do I seem any taller to you?" The other woman blinked in confusion at her sudden query. "I just wonder, I think it's time for me to switch to one of my new uniforms, this one feels a little different.." She shook it off, deciding to change after breakfast.

Finishing their meal in companionable silence, the two rose to take their trays to the counter when Linali brushed too close to her friend, dropping her napkin. Mumbling an apology, she quickly knelt to retrieve it, straightening up as she heard several gasps behind her. She glanced back, wondering at the commotion, but saw nothing out of the ordinary. Shrugging, she placed her dishes on the counter and made to leave.

As she and Miranda made their way to the door, an unfamiliar Finder leaped to his feet, holding the door and blushing profusely. Linali giggled, and nodded at his friendliness as she exited the room. Miranda shook her head in amusement. "Linali-chan is quite popular, I think."

The girl smiled, laughing. "I don't know about that. I've never even seen him before..But besides that, I'm going to go change into one of my new uniforms. This one feels a little small." The older woman nodded, turning the corner in the opposite direction. Suddenly remembering that she needed to ask the girl something, she whirled around just in time to see the teen disappear around a corner.

Blinking, she shook her head. "Linali-chan was right, her uniform does look a little more.. I guess she's at the right age to start growing, though.." She murmured to herself, deciding to ignore the flash of white that she'd hallucinated. _'She must have had a handkerchief in her pocket,'_ She reasoned, resuming her path down the hall.

 

 

Linali huffed in annoyance, shaking her head as yet another male Ordermember gasped at her passage. _'What is wrong with everyone today?'_ She wondered, finally reaching her room. She opened the door, shedding her uniform as she opened the wardrobe to retrieve one of the newer ones. Donning it swiftly, she checked her hair in the mirror, and hurried out the door on her way to train. _'If I'm late, 'Nii-san will send someone to look for me..'_ She mused, locking her door.

As she walked down the narrow corridor, she shivered slightly. "I didn't even notice how chilly it is today, I wonder if winter will come early this year." She mumbled to herself, and failed to hear a startled exclamation as she passed another unknown Finder on her way to the Lab. Seeing the doorway ahead, she smiled, walking in with a wave of greeting to the staff on duty.

Spying her brother's favorite victim, she moved towards him. "River-san, is 'Nii-chan already here?" She asked, smiling politely. The man sighed, gesturing to a space only moderately buried in unsigned papers. She thanked him, and turned to go. She heard a choked sound, and looked over her shoulder, eyes wide in disbelief as she saw the blonde man gaping like a fish. "River-san! What's the matter?" She cried, reaching for his arm as he turned sharply away.

"Linali-chan, you..! Your skirt.." He mumbled, removing his jacket swiftly. She stared at him in confusion, backing away as he attempted to wrap the object around her while keeping his eyes tightly closed.

"What are you..!" She cried, shaking him off. He bit his lip, taking her hand firmly as she gasped at the pained expression on his face. "River-san..?"

"Come away from here, Linali. I know you can't _possibly_ understand, but there's no time, you've got to come away with me, now!" He blurted, his face blazing as she stared at him in horror.

He ignored her protests, draping the cloth around her shoulders and turning her in the direction of an empty office. Half leading, half dragging her through the piles of paper, he opened the door and hurriedly pushed her through the door and followed, closing the door and turning to face her. "Linali-chan," He gasped, "We've got to get you out of that skirt before Komui sees.." She shook her head frantically.

"Not on your life! What is wrong with everyone today? First the Finders, and now you!" She glared at him. "You're old enough to be my _father!_ " The man gaped stupidly at her, then chuckled weakly.

"No, no.. It's not what you think. Haven't you noticed anything... _Different_ about your uniform today?" He asked, struggling to regain his composure. She stared at him, nodding a bit.

"I changed into this one because the one I had on felt a little off.. I just figured that it was old and I'd gotten taller." The older man sighed, tugging at his hair in frustration.

"God, you really didn't notice, wait a moment." He rummaged through his pockets, coming up with a small mirror-like plate. "Here, look at your..Look at the back of your skirt." He said, avoiding her eyes. She twisted awkwardly, turning this way and that until she could see over her shoulder.

Silence.

" _OH my GOD! What the fuck?!_ " River froze, unable to believe the completely out of character curses coming from the innocent girl's mouth as she surveyed her rear end. "You..You can see half my _ASS!_ What is this shit?!"

The door flew open, crashing into the wall.

"LINALIIIIIIIII!! Why are you..." Komui leaned against the cracked doorway, his eyes descending to the object of her intense scrutiny.

Silence the Second.

"What in the _Hell_ is going on here?! Linali, what is the meaning of this?" He shook his head, spotting the cowering blonde man. " _RIVER!_ You bastard, explain yourself! What have you done to Linali's clothes, you pedophile!" He advanced on the man, his hands balled tightly at his sides. "Talk fast, Aussie, or your next few minutes are going to be _extremely_ unfortunate." He snarled, eyes narrowed with wrath.

Linali gasped, catching his elbow before he could place blame on the wrong person. "'Nii-san, River didn't do anything! He told me about this when I came in looking for you, he was trying to help!" The man stared at her, then pointed at the still-shocked blonde.

"He...Didn't do it? Then what the hell happened, Linali?" She shook her head, blushing in humiliation.

"I don't know what happened, they were fine until Allen dropped them off from laundry. They must have shrunk.. God, I've been wearing this for over an hour, all those people.. They weren't acting weird, they were staring at my ASS!" She wailed, snatching the blonde scientist's coat from the floor and covering herself. Komui nodded sharply, turning on his heel and leaving the room.

The two stared after him, and River coughed awkwardly. "Eh, maybe he went to get you some more clothes..?" He said, quietly. Linali nodded faintly, her face still pink with a mixture of anger and embarrassment. Soon, the man in question returned, an armful of assorted clothing in his hold. He glared at River, silently indicating that he should leave. River made good his retreat, smiling apologetically at the upset girl as he left.

Komui averted his eyes as Linali removed the altered uniform, looking through the choice of garments until she found one hideously pink dress that looked as though it would fit. She slipped the item over her head, wincing at the horrible color. She gathered her discarded skirt and jacket from the ground, running the skirt's hem through her fingers until she found a line of newly-made stitching.

"Someone..Someone did this on purpose," She said, shaking with anger. "Look, they took out the old hem and raised it at the back, just enough that it wouldn't look funny until I wore it." She handed the skirt to her brother, who nodded.

"Who would have done it? Did anyone..You said Allen-kun did the laundry today, right?" He said, not waiting for an answer. "He had your uniforms, and he knows how to sew, he's mentioned having to repair General Cross' clothing before." Linali frowned, shaking her head firmly.

"Allen-kun wouldn't do something like that! Besides, Crowley-san sews as well, that doesn't mean anything!" The man stiffened, thinking quickly. He plastered a smile on his face, nodding.

"You're right, what was I thinking.. You go on back to your room, Linali-chan. I'll see that your clothes are fixed right away." She smiled, hugging him briefly on her way to the door. When Komui was certain that she'd gone, he dropped the false smile.

"Those two bastards, they must have been in it _together!_ One picking up the clothes, then the two of them sewing it all up.." He cackled maniacally, his mind already filled with terrible plans for the two unfortunate men. "They are going to regret this, tarnishing my Linali-chan's honor! _Prepare yourselves, Fools!_ "

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Haha, and another chapter finished! Man, I pity the fool who messes with the undeniably crazy Li family.. Remember, possession is 9/10 of the law! Next time: Cut! And That's A Wrap!


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